Are Boundaries Selfish? The answer is more complicated than you think. — Dr Soph

Boundaries are a hot topic. Over the last few years, society’s understanding of the need for boundaries has expanded hugely. Books are being written on them by the dozen, and if you follow mental health professionals you will never get through a morning of scrolling through your Instagram feed without seeing at least one post dedicated to the topic.

But the question that is rarely ever discussed in full is: Are boundaries selfish?

Usually, when this question is asked, the response is either a blanket “ No way!” or a “ Yes, they’re terrible”.

As I am a therapist you might assume this article is going to tell you that “boundaries are always a good thing and never selfish”. But the answer is much more complicated than that. So let’s get into it.

This blog post will:

• answer whether boundaries are selfish,
• discuss whether selfishness is even a bad thing,
• help you to recognize when boundaries become a form of control.

What are boundaries?

I have already written a thorough blog post on boundaries. It tells you what they are, why we need them, how to recognise if your boundaries need tightening AND ‘3 Steps To Setting The Boundaries You Need In Your Relationships’ so I won’t be discussing those issues here (to read this post click here). I will however quickly recap what boundaries are.

Boundaries are the line where one person ends and the next person begins. They are the rules that each of us has that tell other people how we wish to be treated. And we can have boundaries in all areas of our life such as in emotional, value and belief-based, physical, sexual, and/or financial situations.

Boundaries include (amongst many other examples):

• saying “no” to someone in a relationship or in the bedroom,
• saying “I don’t like that activity but thanks for suggesting we hang out, can we arrange to do something different together another time?” to a friend who asks you to do something you don’t want to do,
• turning down work and/or scheduling time for rest into your diary when you know you have a busy week.

When we have strong boundaries and the people around us respect our personal rules and wishes, we feel like we can live our lives to the fullest.

When we don’t have strong boundaries, when we fear saying no to people, we can end up giving away a lot of our energy, sometimes to the point of exhaustion — if this is you, if you identify as a ‘people pleaser’ who cannot say no, pre-order my book ‘A Manual For Being Human’, which will help you identify where the people pleasing came from, and will show you how to feel more confident asserting your needs in the future.

Boundaries are important.

Are they selfish though?

The answer is… most of the time no. But sometimes yes.

What is selfishness?

Selfishness is defined as prioritising our own life and pleasure and lacking consideration for the needs of others. It is almost unanimously thought of as a bad thing.

The thing is, you and I are not on this planet to constantly agree to other people’s whims. We have to be able to prioritise our lives and needs on occasion. Even if other people feel their needs are being ignored when we do this.

For example, being able to say no to someone’s sexual advances is your right as a human AND it is an important part of keeping yourself physically safe. Being able to say no to someone who wants you to lend them money you don’t have, that you know they may not be able to pay back, or that you simply don’t want to lend, will keep you financially safe too!

There is nothing selfish about wanting to be alive, physically safe, and all other forms of safe either.

But what about when you say no to something that doesn’t risk your safety?

Saying no to an offer from a friend to hang out, or to a piece of work your boss wants you to do, may at that moment seem selfish. You are prioritising your needs above someone else’s after all. However, life is a marathon, not a sprint. If you say yes all the time, you are buying a one-way ticket to burn out.

The more you are able to say “no” and/or take time for rest, the more likely it is that you will be in that friendship or job for the long haul. In this way boundaries are both a commitment you make to yourself and an investment in your future self and your future relationships.

Also, you simply can’t prioritise other peoples needs at all times and still meet your own. Relationships (of all kinds) are about balance. The complex dance of being there for one another.

Asking for what you want and need in a relationship, is simply part of being in a relationship. It isn’t inherently selfish. And even when it kind of is selfish, like the evenings you decide to put your feet up and let your housemate or partner do all the cleaning and tidying — who says that has to be a bad thing?

Why can’t we be a little selfish from time to time?

When boundaries are selfish

Sometimes boundaries are more obviously selfish and problematic than the examples I gave above. But when?

When boundaries are being used as an excuse to cover up for something else.

For example:

1) Boundaries are selfish when we use them as an excuse to never be available to others.

I worked in a team a while ago where one person never mucked in when the going got tough. They never offered support to ease another team member’s stressful week, and never stayed late when everyone else stayed behind to meet a looming deadline. They also only took on the work that interested them and was an easy win.

At first, it seemed like this team member had excellent boundaries. I fully agree that regularly leaving the office at the end of the working day sets a good example. I applaud people who stick to their working hours and have clear rules around what they are willing, or not, to do.

But this was more than that. Over time, we realised that our colleague’s statement of “this is just my boundary” was actually a cover for the fact they simply didn’t want to be part of the team and they didn’t want to do things for others. They prioritised only their own work and life activities no matter what was happening around them.

Consistently prioritising yourself and your pleasure at the expense of others is the definition of selfish. And using boundaries as an excuse for something else gives boundaries a bad name.

Returning back to my question before however… is this kind of selfishness a bad thing? Why not choose your own life, own pleasure, and prioritise that above all else? Above everyone else? We are only on this planet once, we may as well make the most of it! In the case of the colleague, she probably benefited highly from her behaviour and that worked for her. Who am I to judge this behaviour, or say that this is a bad life choice?

However, if you, like me, value collaboration and ensuring you are part of a community that has each other’s backs, then consistently prioritising yourself in this way is unlikely to work for you.

Selfishness is grayscale (i.e. whether selfishness is ‘all-out bad’ is not an open and shut case).

My colleague wasn’t harming anyone. But what about the partner who uses “it’s just my boundaries” as an excuse to avoid their emotions and/or difficult discussions with their partner? Over time, this kind of behaviour could wear down a relationship and isolate a partner. What about a parent who uses ‘boundaries’ and ‘prioritising their energy’ as an excuse to never be there for their child, always doing their own thing, leaving their child with others 24/7 as their child doesn’t fit their lives? — A clear example of times when ‘boundaries’ are used to cover up selfishness in a way that is potentially dangerous.

2) Boundaries are a problem when they are being used to control others.

Boundaries are not an excuse to tell someone else to do your bidding. They are not an opportunity to tell someone that they need to behave the way you want them to or else. They are not the way you get someone to live their life the way that you want them to be. They are not your one-stop technique that will make the world work the way you wish it would.

When we set a boundary, we are letting people know what we want. We are asking for something. But… and here is a big ‘but’… we are not trying to control them.

Nedra Tawwab, an authority on boundaries gave the following examples to illustrate the difference between boundaries and control:

“A healthy boundary sounds like: I’m not drinking because I’m not feeling well. Control sounds like this: “Since I can’t drink, you shouldn’t drink either.”

Another example of boundary requests vs control is: “I really like it when you call me each day. It makes me feel close to you” — this healthy boundary could also be reworded as “when I don’t hear from you I miss you, can we speak more?”. The control version of this, that I see worryingly often, is: “A good partner would call me each day, if you don’t you’re a bad person”.

Boundaries become selfish, or at least problematic when we use them to try to make people act and live their lives the way we want them to, and not how they wish to.

What is the overall verdict?

Boundaries are important.

When a boundary really is a boundary, and not a cover for something else (such as emotional avoidance, disinterest, actual self-prioritisation, or control) they are not inherently selfish. Or at least, not problematically selfish.

Selfishness isn’t always a bad thing. Sometimes we can be ‘positively’ selfish. Like the times where we say no to something in order to preserve our energy for the marathon that is life.

The times when boundaries tend to become a problem is when they are not really boundaries at all. As long as you know what a boundary is, and what it is not, then you do not have to worry. You can drop the quest to find out whether boundaries are selfish or selfless and start instead to consider boundaries as acts of self-care that keep you safe, and make life and the world a better place.

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I am a Clinical Psychologist trying to get effective psychological advice out of the therapy room and into everyday life. If you found this article useful and want to learn more about why you feel the way you do, and how to cope with whatever life throws at you… Also, connect with me on Instagram for daily posts to help boost your mood. Pre-order my book “A Manual For Being Human”, which is out on July 8th.

Pre-order here.

Originally published at https://drsoph.com on May 16, 2021.